How long does it take to get over painful times in our lives that make us see the world in a whole different light? How long is long enough to move on and not dwell on what has happened to us that creates a significant paradigm shift?
Some people seem to bounce back from tragedy easily and for others it takes years, or in some cases people don’t ever recover from their harrowing ordeal.
It has been 4 years since my world was shaken to the core and I lost my best friend – my mother. To others on the outside my world seems finally settled and moving on in the right direction. But inside it feels I have just awoken from a slumber or almost an emotional hibernation of what transpired.
Some days are good, but other days I feel the roller coaster of emotions breaking to the surface. It is painful, yet at times very sobering to have to sort through. During these times of intense emotions I rely on my faith to get me through it all.
That is what she taught me. When times are bad you need to pray about it, ask God for help, give your burdens to Him and He will take care of you.
Crying is a release, but it is the writing that is healing for me. I know we are supposed to be thankful for all that we have and that others are suffering more than us, but for now I want to feel the pain and suffer through it so I can get past it. Don’t know if that makes sense, but that is the way I feel.
When you keep your emotions pent-up for so long they have to come out eventually and you don’t want it to be in an unhealthy outburst that hurts those you love the most. It is better to name it and then deal with it.
My mother was the world to me. She was not only my mother, but my best friend too. Not a day went by for 44 years that I did not talk to her. We even saw each other every day until Hurricane Katrina hit in 2005. That is when we became separated.
We moved to Florida and she stayed in New Orleans to live with my sister. She would come and visit every 4 months and we would go in to visit as well. Never really new how much time I spent talking to her until I got the cell phone bill and then we got the “friends and family” plan.
I wanted her to live with me but she loved being in New Orleans where she had lived all her life. It was an adjustment for both of us, but looking back I know now why we had to separate.
Little did I know God would call her home just 3 years after Hurricane Katrina. It was my way of learning how to adjust to being separated from her. Some people may be saying it will get better with time, but how long will that be?
There’s not a day goes by that I don’t think about her or finding myself wanting to call and tell her something. It’s then that I catch myself and remember that she’s gone. It’s funny though, I notice when times are rough I dream about her.
A mother’s love is never far away if you think about it. When they are alive we are forever being loved and cared about and when they have passed it’s their love and life lessons that they taught that live on in our hearts and minds.
The greatest gift my mother gave to me was her faith. Her faith in God, family and mankind. She taught me how to find the answers through life’s trials and tribulations by turning to God through prayer and scripture.
Sometimes when I am troubled I sit and read my bible just like she taught me. It is simple to do. I say a prayer, then open the bible and place my hand on the page. Wherever my hand falls I begin to read that passage. Afterwards, I sit and ponder the message that God is sending to me.
I know it sounds so simplistic, but it works. I may read two or three passages, but I know when God is finished because there is one scripture reading that consistently pops up. As soon as I place my hand on it I know.
This simple, yet powerful tool she passed on to me is what makes a mother’s love so unique and special. To me she was a model of dedication to her family, how to love unconditionally and a strong, faith-filled woman of God.
I can only hope to follow in her footsteps of passing on her tremendous gifts to my own children.
Just the other day, I caught myself telling my own children the same thing she said to me when I was younger. At that moment, I felt very close to her and knew she must be watching and smiling.
I miss her every day, but never have to look very far to find her. She’s always in my heart and a part of my soul. Our love transcends time, space and heaven.
My mother’s love is never far away.
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