I guess what they say is true when you are young that “ignorance is bliss.” You don’t have a care in the world and nothing really bothers you, unless you are extremely wise or mature for your age. For me, a middle-aged woman, I’m just beginning to wake-up and smell the coffee or cafe’ latte as l like to call it. Life can deal us some heavy blows and I have had my share just like everyone else, but making sense of it all and how it can shape us into who we are can be a daunting realization and a liberating one as well.
My life has been on fast forward these past 7 years. So many changes so quickly. Surviving a hurricane, having another baby, losing my mother to cancer, uprooting my family, teaching high school then back to middle school all while going back to school myself. You can say I have been busy. This is what I call my “gumbo pot” of life! It was not until this year did I really take the time to sit back and actually take it all in. I was so busy forging ahead and making the best of a bad situation that I really never let it sit and marinate awhile so I could feel it and get through it.
The other night at a dinner with one of my closest friends, I asked her to be honest with me and tell me if I was going insane with all the things I was sorting through in my head. She told me of course I was a bit “touched” but that everyone is in one way or another (especially if you are from New Orleans! I like to call it ‘Cajun Spice’ crazy. It is what makes us so different.) In her words she described me as the “walking wounded.” Wow! What an odd phrase. She continued to elaborate on what she meant and it all made sense to me. The walking wounded are normal people who have gone through some type of tumultuous experience in life, (I call it a paradigm shift) and have been changed forever. Life goes on, but they wonder through it for a time like on automatic pilot and then one day wake-up and find their life is different. How they handle stress, life and emotional situations are different because of it as well.
She was totally right! I don’t handle stress like I use to when I was younger. Little things can set me off. My highs are highs and my lows are low. As I taught my religion classes this year I finally could appreciate the stories of the Old Testament and the message they convey about the journey of faith we are all on in life and that God is always leading us in the direction He wants us to go. We are all on His time-table not our own. We all come to a fork in the road in our lives and have to make some serious decisions. These decisions are the choices that determine the final chapters in our lives. Her words made me even more reflective. I knew I had to take a closer look in my own mirror.
What I found out has helped me to move forward on my journey. I have learned so much this year about myself. I have learned I am stronger than what I give myself credit for. I want to be a better mother for my two little ones and spend quality time with them and not worry about how clean my house is, how many papers I have to correct or clothes that need to be folded. I want what’s best for all of my family. I want to be a better wife, sister, friend, Christian and teacher.
As I sit here I am tired of so many things:
- I am tired of being angry about what has happened to me and my family since Hurricane Katrina.
- I am tired of feeling so sad everyday and of feeling unworthy of God’s love, my husband and children’s love.
- I am tired of expectations others put on me because they are insecure about themselves.
- I am tired of being so trustful of people that they take advantage and my family suffers for it.
- I’m just tired of being tired all the time.
But with that being said I do have to say that I am not fearful of the future anymore. I know that God is there waiting for me. I know that He has closed the door on this brief chapter in my life and made me take a good look in the mirror. It’s been a challenging year on many levels, but it has given me a new perspective and purpose in life.
After I write this blog I will be sending out resumes for employment. It’s surreal, but it’s the first time in 26 years I have not been signed to a teaching contract. Don’t know what will happen or if I will be teaching anymore, but I know I have been a faithful servant teaching in the Catholic School arena for 25 of the 26 years. Only He knows where I am going, so for now I’ll just be thankful for the past years and look ahead in anticipation of where He will send me next.
As I look in the mirror again I see an older me. A little worn and weary from the many miles traveled, yet standing behind me is God with His arms wrapped around me telling me He loves me and that He is always with me on this journey. He is carrying my burdens right now as I strengthen my faith for what is to come. My soul is full of renewed hope and my heart is thankful.
As I take my final look I see my God again, not standing behind me but staring right at me – eye to eye. He has never been far away. In my smiling reflection I am reminded that I am created in His image. We are all created in God’s image. We only have to take a look beyond the mirror to see Him in ourselves. My closer look has given me new eyes within to see a new faith journey. It gives a new meaning for me to the phrase -“the man in the mirror.” What do you see when you look in the mirror?
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